A good book... or not?

Hey, I'm writing a book, possibly. And I thought somebody might comment. State your opinion, good and bad. The good ones help me feel... good. The bad ones help me improve my writing. So, freely state your opinions. Thanks.


1
Hi. My name is Kay. I have black, waist length hair, sapphire eyes, and no shortage of negativity. I kind of wish that I could change that. The negativity, I mean. I've never written a book before, so I'll just do the best I can. And you'll just have to deal. Yeah, I know that's not the best way to get anyone to read further, but, see, I know you will, anyway. So, my friends and me, we’re orphans. All of us. And we all have some kind of like, “super brain”, or something. Look, I’ll explain it the best that I can, O.K.? So, here goes: Well, Me, Shadow, Jay, Dee, and Karma lived in orphanages. For our first three years. We were in separate places, Shadow and Dee were together, I was alone, and Karma was with Jay. Then we got adopted. Good? No it’s not good, because, see, the people who adopted us, they all had one thing in common: They were from the Center of Neurology. Yeah, I know it’s a slightly cheesy name, but I didn’t make it up.
You connected this to the whole “super brain” thing yet? Well, they took all of us to the Center. The guys there did some brain surgery on us that resulted in different levels of psychic abilities. My personal ability is seeing into the future. That’s how I know you’ll keep reading. They always do the surgery when their victims were four. (Shadow and I got ours first, and were able to help the other kids cope with their new abilities.) That way our brains would continue to develop with the surgery. Meaning that we would not be severely whacked-out in the head, and we could try to live normally. Not that those nut job “doctors” cared if we were normal. Then, when I was thirteen, my room mates and I decided that we were gonna break out. Long story short, we ran around, broke some stuff, and managed to make it out a first story window. My friends and I made it to an abandoned rail-way. We’ve been living there for a couple of years now.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m crazy. Sometimes I wonder about my sanity, too. So, listen closely. I’m psychic. Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t. Yes, I can see into the future. No, I can’t read minds. Yes, I’m big on sarcasm. No, I don’t have a choice when I get these, “visions”.
So you want to know why sometimes I don’t like being psychic? Well, you’ll find out later. Right now though, it was pretty dang useful. For more reasons than one.
“Shadow!?” “What?” the tall dark eyed, black haired boy next to me asked. The kid sitting next to me? His name is Shadow. Shadow is not his birth name, obviously. But once he was… seven, I think, Shadow changed his name to one he liked. Shadow can turn invisible. It has something to do with "molecular enhancement", acorrding to the freaks who made him that way.
Yes, I know it sounds like I’m writing comic book scripts. But I’m not. How do you know I’m telling the truth? You don’t, you just trust me to tell it.
So, back to me and Shadow. Oh, right, we were sitting next to each other on a shredded up old couch, in a broken down rusted train caboose, or whatever part of the train. Hey, I never said I was an expert on trains. “What, Kay?” he asked again, calmly. I paused. “Uh…” Shadow and I were the same age, fifteen,I mean, we were born on the same day, and everything! Go figure. Shadow he was taller than me by a few inches. And much stronger. I’m not exactly short, I’m five… nine, I think. I mean I don’t really measure myself every day. I’ve got enough trouble to deal with. “Um… oh… well… I… uh…” How embarrassing. I never stutter. “We should go to the mall!” I finally blurted out. Not exactly what I meant to say. “The mall,” Shadow almost cracked a smile. I relaxed, slightly. “Yeah,” I said. “Kay, we’re a million miles away from every where, except this stupid railway, so how about you tell me what you really were going to say.” I opened my mouth to say something, but then my world started to spin and all went blank. I slid down onto the floor, as my eyes rolled back. I was having a vision.




So what'd you think? It's a rough draft.

-DarkHawk09